family Archives - Live Life Better | Olivia Roe | Single Parent Coach | Kent

A few weeks ago, I found out my ex – my son’s dad – is having another baby in June and, since, I’ve experienced much in letting go.

There have been multiple difficult thoughts, feelings and emotions from anger and panic to resignation and sadness. I’ve faced stuff I had no idea was lingering, along with crazy night time dreams (and these say a lot about my subconscious)!

Blocked fears, beliefs and opinions have been realised and whilst many aspects were intense and exhausting, I’ve also had a releasing and cathartic experience.

Studies show that the best ways to forgive and forget take an emotional form so I know this was the process which needed to happen for me.

The Process…

Firstly, I felt deep anxiety and anger. Those two beasts rose their ugly heads high with my fear of change and numerous unhelpful ‘what if’ scenarios surfacing.

‘What if’ my ex and his girlfriend end up like he and I did?

‘What if’ my son isn’t loved as much as the new baby?

‘What if’ my son doesn’t see his dad as much?

‘What if’ my son is impacted and worse-off, and additionally (more selfishly), what if my life is also affected?

What if…?

Thankfully, I was able to voice all the above to friends and family – those who have my back. They listened to my stuff, told me it’s just stuff and then listened some more.

In essence, I was wanting to control the uncontrollable.

I can’t control these things and nor should I. My ex is free to get on with his life as I’m free to get on with mine, and I do trust he does as well as he can by our son (as he trusts me to as well).

I was also passing judgement on things that haven’t happened, pouring ill-will on the imagined. This serves absolutely no purpose to anyone or anything, and does nothing to aid letting go.

After all the ruminating and worry, I felt flat and tired. I wanted to hide away so I rested my weary mind and took time out from over-thinking.

Feel The Feelings

Then, came a wave of sadness and I cried.

I really cried.

Belly wrenching tears over aspects I had no conscious clue were there.

The realisation that, regardless of how things where at the end of our relationship, at the start, my ex had made me feel very special. I really loved him then and was still holding onto the idea our son’s conception and birth was something unique. I had no idea this remained a thing for me.

I also cried over the fact that life may well be different going forward for my son. It could be better (when he gets a little brother to muck about with) or it may be worse, no one knows. Things will be as they’re meant to be, and that goes for any impact that comes for my life too.

Acceptance

Through my tears, I finally came to accept the idea that maybe my ex and I just hadn’t been right for each other. Perhaps things would work out well with his girlfriend and this family he was creating?

Perhaps I needed to leave my stories in the past now and truly move on?

Perhaps the time was right in letting go for me and everyone involved?

All of this stuff was a big and bitter pill to swallow but something else came after the tears…

Peace.

Through feeling the feelings, allowing them to be and accepting their presence as a gift for me to learn from, I was able to get to another place.

I faced, processed and released tethers I had no clue were tying me up. True freedom is on the other side of that.

Forgiveness

I made the choice to fully forgive my ex for everything that happened as well as for the version of events I was holding on to.

I wish abundant joy, love and happiness to him, his girlfriend, their new baby and the family they’re creating alongside the boy he and I made.

I also forgive myself, sincerely and profoundly. There has been nothing wrong in me feeling the way I have or for blocks in my subconscious. I have simply been living a real and powerful human experience which I can now move on from and let go.

The Present

Today, I have a new life ahead of me and I rest in a place of love and light. Today and all the gifts I have are what are important.

My son has two parents who love him, he is a joy and a gift to us. He has 3 half siblings from his dad, every one a gift to my son and the world.

My son has wider family and friends who adore him and they support and guide both he and I.

I have a career I love which serves others purposefully and powerfully.

We live in a beautiful place and have good health.

We are blessed.

The Future

Last week, I wrote a card to my ex’s family. I hadn’t heard from them in the two years since I left but I felt compelled to tell them they are always welcome to come and see my son and I anytime they like.

I received a card back, telling me their door is always open to me too.

In letting go, I’m seeing a whole host of new wonders on the horizon for my son and I. I’d missed these before whilst I was still half looking back.

I’m excited for he and I to go grab them now…

IF YOU WANT HELP TO LET GO OF FEARS, BELIEFS & OPINIONS HOLDING YOU BACK, GET IN TOUCH HERE TODAY. I CAN’T WAIT FOR YOU TO GET STARTED!

(Images from Unsplash, with thanks)

100 Days of Fun in Coronavirus

In January at Live Life Better, I introduced the concept of being Healthily Happy which incorporated the wellbeing 3L’s of Learning, Loving and Laughing. For May and during this challenging time for the world, I want to focus on this more and bring ‘Learning, Loving and Laughing’ together in one word – FUN!

Right now, there’s not as much family fun around as there once was. Parents are dealing with loss, change and difficulty whilst holding everything together at home. There’s play but there’s also tears. There’s joy and there’s stress. One thing that’s certain is a rollercoaster of emotions so, if ‘time flies whilst you’re having fun’, I’ve decided to do more of it now to pass this time positively. Would you like to join me in bringing more fun into your days too?

A self-care commitment

I’ve made a commitment to do something fun, every day, for 100 days. I already do lots of fun stuff with and for my son, and he is very good at having fun (I learn a lot from his lead), so this current pledge is about personal, parental self-care. As I say often, ‘you can’t pour from an empty cup’ so I’m going to boost my wellbeing through fun and, in a roundabout way, I’m sure my son will benefit too. Fun breeds fun and a mum having fun is fun in itself (lol)!

Fun is serious business in serious times

A brief Google search on the value of fun lists its importance for productivity at work, for children’s development and even in the aid of recovery. Psychology Today has a compelling article on the importance of play for everyone. They maintain ‘play is serious business,’ calling it a ‘banquet for the brain’ so we shouldn’t view fun as frivolous. HelpGuide talks persuasively on the mental health and relationship benefits of play for adults saying it can ‘add joy, relieve stress, supercharge learning and connect you to others and the world around’. They argue play improves brain function and stimulates creativity.

In 2018, Steve Taylor from Leeds Beckett University, wrote about ‘awakenings’ in the British Psychological Society’s magazine. He described these as “a temporary expansion and intensification of awareness that brings significant perceptual, affective and conceptual changes,” which could be related to experiences of flow; and flow can be thought of as (Csikszentmihalyi and Csikszentmihalyi, 1988: 36) “the holistic sensation that people feel when they act with total involvement.” Hopefully some of these awakening or flow experiences will arise from the fun times to come over the upcoming 100 days!

The Oxford English Dictionary defines fun as “light-hearted pleasure, enjoyment, or amusement; boisterous joviality or merrymaking; entertainment”. How would you define fun for yourself? Is it doing things that are creative, silly or witty? Perhaps it’s about novelty or activities you know you enjoy? What about joy, where does this fit for you? My 100 days of fun will be about things I know I enjoy (but don’t do enough) as well as trying out novel and creative activities. It’ll be about both ‘creativity’ and ‘enjoyment’. Those will be my key words.

Fun ideas for isolation?

I’ve jotted down a few ideas of things I’ll do. Please have a look at my Youtube video on Bringing Joy, for a fun coaching exercise in generating plans for your household. I already love writing and supporting people so those will continue but perhaps I’ll now try recipes, cocktails or foods I’ve not had before? Perhaps I’ll collage, journal or do new daft puppet shows with my son? Painting, dressing-up, cycling and running barefoot on the beach will all happen as will, no doubt, lots of music and dance. I’ll be sure to explore and surround myself with playful people online. I was thinking virtual charades, if anyone’s up for it!?!

Whatever it looks like to you though, we can likely all agree that we know when someone’s having fun. That sense of joy and pleasure is universally understood, regardless of culture, gender, age or any other thing which might differentiate us. Fun is unifying and that’s something we can all do with in current circumstances. I’m looking forward to what these 100 days of fun will bring. Please see daily updates on my Instagram page at oliviaroellb

Letting Go