Letting Go

A few weeks ago, I found out my ex – my son’s dad – is having another baby in June and, since, I’ve experienced much in letting go.

There have been multiple difficult thoughts, feelings and emotions from anger and panic to resignation and sadness. I’ve faced stuff I had no idea was lingering, along with crazy night time dreams (and these say a lot about my subconscious)!

Blocked fears, beliefs and opinions have been realised and whilst many aspects were intense and exhausting, I’ve also had a releasing and cathartic experience.

Studies show that the best ways to forgive and forget take an emotional form so I know this was the process which needed to happen for me.

The Process…

Firstly, I felt deep anxiety and anger. Those two beasts rose their ugly heads high with my fear of change and numerous unhelpful ‘what if’ scenarios surfacing.

‘What if’ my ex and his girlfriend end up like he and I did?

‘What if’ my son isn’t loved as much as the new baby?

‘What if’ my son doesn’t see his dad as much?

‘What if’ my son is impacted and worse-off, and additionally (more selfishly), what if my life is also affected?

What if…?

What if…?

What if…?

Thankfully, I was able to voice all the above to friends and family – those who have my back. They listened to my stuff, told me it’s just stuff and then listened some more.

In essence, I was wanting to control the uncontrollable.

I can’t control these things and nor should I. My ex is free to get on with his life as I’m free to get on with mine, and I do trust he does as well as he can by our son (as he trusts me to as well).

I was also passing judgement on things that haven’t happened, pouring ill-will on the imagined. This serves absolutely no purpose to anyone or anything, and does nothing to aid letting go.

After all the ruminating and worry, I felt flat and tired. I wanted to hide away so I rested my weary mind and took time out from over-thinking.

The gift of learning

Feel The Feelings

Then, came a wave of sadness and I cried.

I really cried.

Belly wrenching tears over aspects I had no conscious clue were there.

The realisation that, regardless of how things where at the end of our relationship, at the start, my ex had made me feel very special. I really loved him then and was still holding onto the idea our son’s conception and birth was something unique. I had no idea this remained a thing for me.

I also cried over the fact that life may well be different going forward for my son. It could be better (when he gets a little brother to muck about with) or it may be worse, no one knows. Things will be as they’re meant to be, and that goes for any impact that comes for my life too.


Through my tears, I finally came to accept the idea that maybe my ex and I just hadn’t been right for each other. Perhaps things would work out well with his girlfriend and this family he was creating?

Perhaps I needed to leave my stories in the past now and truly move on?

Perhaps the time was right in letting go for me and everyone involved?

All of this stuff was a big and bitter pill to swallow but something else came after the tears…


Through feeling the feelings, allowing them to be and accepting their presence as a gift for me to learn from, I was able to get to another place.

I faced, processed and released tethers I had no clue were tying me up. True freedom is on the other side of that.

The present and the future are a gift


I made the choice to fully forgive my ex for everything that happened as well as for the version of events I was holding on to.

I wish abundant joy, love and happiness to him, his girlfriend, their new baby and the family they’re creating alongside the boy he and I made.

I also forgive myself, sincerely and profoundly. There has been nothing wrong in me feeling the way I have or for blocks in my subconscious. I have simply been living a real and powerful human experience which I can now move on from and let go.

The Present

Today, I have a new life ahead of me and I rest in a place of love and light. Today and all the gifts I have are what are important.

My son has two parents who love him, he is a joy and a gift to us. He has 3 half siblings from his dad, every one a gift to my son and the world.

My son has wider family and friends who adore him and they support and guide both he and I.

I have a career I love which serves others purposefully and powerfully.

We live in a beautiful place and have good health.

We are blessed.

The Future

Last week, I wrote a card to my ex’s family. I hadn’t heard from them in the two years since I left but I felt compelled to tell them they are always welcome to come and see my son and I anytime they like.

I received a card back, telling me their door is always open to me too.

In letting go, I’m seeing a whole host of new wonders on the horizon for my son and I. I’d missed these before whilst I was still half looking back.

I’m excited for he and I to go grab them now…


(Images from Unsplash, with thanks)

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Love Again as a Single Parent

There are two words within ‘single parent’ and, for me, they highlight very different aspects.

‘Parent’ and parenting involves you and your child/children so two or more individuals. It’s about togetherness, not solo activity, and is something you and I both know all about involving lots of love, interaction, respect, care, clothes washing and good snacks!

The second word in single parent is ‘single’ and that can vary a lot between us.

I didn’t become a single parent through choice, which creates one distinction. If you went into being a solo mum or dad knowing that was how it was going to be, you might not need to come to terms with your single status for too long. You may choose to date again sooner rather than later or perhaps you may not. Either way, being single and a parent was a choice made (and an awesome one at that).  

If, however, you became a single parent through other circumstances such as bereavement, abuse or the breakdown of a relationship, then the idea of dating once more may be further off (if at all).

Things may vary again if you are not in contact with the other parent, have difficulties or, alternatively, if you amicably split from them and are happily co-parenting together.

In summary, our situations regarding singleness will be as unique as we all are!

Whatever is happening for you today too, know this is okay. Things are as they need to be right now so don’t worry or think anything should be different. Be in the present, focusing on your daily joy and thriving. Gingerbread cites an average of 5 years for single parenthood so the rest will come if and when it’s meant to.

My Switch for Change

I’ve been single for almost two years now and it has been an enlightening time. Not only have we experienced a global pandemic which, often still, blows my mind but it has also been a time where I truly came to terms with my single status. Then, I revelled in it and, finally, realised I would love to love again.

So, about 6 months ago, I signed up to two dating apps but I was conflicted. I experienced a pull towards what I ‘should’ be doing (looking for romance) and a push back to what felt more comfortable (namely sitting around in my pyjamas).

Then, came The Switch. I realised I needed help with my conflict around dating; I was blocked on certain things.

My biggest problems were eye-rolling at guys on dating apps, backing away from messaging and having a fairly stinking attitude to it all. If I did deign to meet someone and start to like them after a few dates, then I would panic and act like a different person – stumbling around, floundering in low confidence. Would they like my back? Would this go anywhere? Was I good enough?

I had a classic case of wobbler attachment – often avoidant, sometimes anxious, rarely secure.

Basically, a lot of b*$hit was evident in my behaviours and thinking but – whilst I could see things were wrong – I had no idea how to shift them. My nonsense had started to become worryingly automatic.

So, I deleted the apps and got some much-needed coaching on my blocks. I knew I couldn’t get past them on my own, regardless of how self-aware I am.

With Coaching…

Over the course of some months, I learnt a number of important things:

  • In my past two relationships since my twenties, I’d put my partner before me. Their happiness had been more important than mine; I’d backed away from personal wants, needs and desires in favour of theirs.
  • I also had few boundaries set for myself. I didn’t know what I did or didn’t want so I was opting for the seemingly more straightforward option of being with no-one.
  • As the people-pleaser I was previously, I would find it hard to speak up on aspects I wasn’t happy with. I internalised and withdrew from confrontation, having poor communication skills in romantic relationships.

And – do you know what – as soon as I saw these things for what they were I had a true ‘ahhh haaa’ moment. I understood the b*$hit, knew where it came from and, most importantly, I was released from it.

And – PHEW – what a bloody relief that was!

  • I now love myself first, no matter what.
  • I am truly happy and this will remain always regardless of whom I choose to romantically love again.
  • I have boundaries for myself, voice those clearly, and I don’t people-please. I simply say how I feel, what I’m thinking and open up to all my vulnerability and honesty with love and kindness.

The Future

About 6 weeks ago, I loaded up those dating apps again and it’s like I’m a different person towards every aspect of love, romance and dating. I have genuine happiness and joy towards it, whether I meet someone through that means or in regular life. There’s obviously no rush, with Covid restrictions too, but what’s crucial is I have no negativity towards any aspect of dating. The energy that surrounds it is peaceful, fun and buoyant and I know that won’t change.

What is meant to be, will truly be.

I look forward to meeting the awesome someone who’s around the corner, looking for me too!

If you would like support in getting past your blocks, then contact me today and also join the Single Parent Superhero Facebook group

(Photos by Chris Benson, Tyler Nix, Nick Fewings, Felipe Correia & Annie Spratt)

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