A few weeks ago, I found out my ex – my son’s dad – is having a baby in June and, since, I’ve experienced a lot.
There have been a myriad of difficult thoughts, feelings and emotions from anger and panic to resignation and sadness.
I’ve faced stuff I had no idea was lingering.
Blocked fears, beliefs and opinions have been realised and whilst much was intense and exhausting, I’ve also had a releasing and cathartic experience. I know this was a process which needed to happen.
Firstly, I felt deep anxiety and anger. Those two beasts rose their ugly heads high with my fear of change and numerous unhelpful ‘what if’ scenarios surfacing.
What if my ex and his girlfriend end up like he and I did?
What if my son isn’t loved as much as the new baby?
What if my son doesn’t see his dad as much?
What if my son is impacted and worse-off, and additionally (more selfishly), what if my life is also effected?
Thankfully, I was able to voice all the above to friends and family – those who have my back. They listened to my stuff, told me it’s just stuff and then listened some more.
In essence, I was wanting to control the uncontrollable.
I can’t control these things and nor should I. My ex is free to get on with his life as I’m free to get on with mine, and I do trust he does as well as he can by our son (as he trusts me to as well).
I was also passing judgement on things that haven’t happened, pouring ill-will on the imagined. This serves absolutely no purpose to anyone or anything.
After all the ruminating and worry, I felt flat and tired. I wanted to hide away so I rested my weary mind and took time out from over-thinking.
Then, came a wave of sadness and I cried.
I really cried.
Belly wrenching tears over aspects I had no conscious clue were there.
The realisation that, regardless of how things where at the end of our relationship, at the start, my ex had made me feel very special. I had really loved him then and was still holding onto the idea our son’s conception and birth had been something unique. I had no idea this remained a thing for me.
I also cried over the fact that life may well be different going forward for my son. It could be better (when he gets a little brother to muck about with) or it may be worse, no one knows. Things will be as they’re meant to be, and that goes for any impact that comes for my life too.
Through my tears, I finally came to accept that maybe my ex and I just hadn’t been right for each other. Perhaps things would work well with his girlfriend and the new family he was creating?
Perhaps I needed to leave my stories in the past now and truly move on?
Everything was a big and bitter pill to swallow but something else came after the tears…
Through feeling the feelings, allowing them to be and accepting their presence as a gift for me to learn from, I was able to get to another place.
One where I truly let go of negativity.
Through these new developments, I was able to face, process and release tethers I had no clue were tying me up.
True freedom is on the other side of that.
I fully forgive my ex and wish complete wellness, love and joy for him, his girlfriend, their new baby and the family they’re creating alongside the boy he and I made.
I also forgive myself sincerely and profoundly. I have been living a real and powerful human experience but can now move on and let that go.
I have a new life ahead of me and – today – I rest in a place of love and light. Today and all the gifts I’ve been given, are what are important.
My son has two parents who love him, he is a joy and a gift to us. He has 3 half siblings from his dad, every one a gift to my son and the world. My son has wider family and friends who adore him, they’re there to support and guide both her and I whenever we need it.
Last week, I wrote a card to my ex’s family. I hadn’t heard from them in the two years since I left but I felt compelled to tell them they are always welcome to come and see my son and I anytime they like They are welcome any time.
I received a card back, telling me their door is always open to me too.
In letting go, I’m seeing a whole host of new wonders on the horizon for my son and I. I’d missed these before whilst I was still half looking back.
I’m excited for us to go grab them now…